I wont

I wont see your face,
I wont see you walk through the door,
I wont hear your voice,
I wont…ever again,
I wont…

To speak these words is to choke in the pain,
To know these words is to die in it.

Still, sorrow wraps itself around me,
Holding on strong to its prey,
No matter where my thoughts will go,
It hides here everyday,
The mask has become ineffective,
Hopeless in its cause,
Regardless of where I am now,
I will never forget what was,
I know you can fucking hear me,
Your tracks are everywhere,
You’re a cold, heartless corpse,
Alive, but painted not to care,
I try to hate the memories,
In hope they’ll fade away,
But the more I spit the venom,
The more I find to say,
I’m going round in circles,
Just trying to find the end,
Yet again falling in on myself,
In an attempt to try and mend,
The broken, acrid flash backs,
That sting each and every time,
It’s not your battle I’m here to fight,
I’m still trying to fucking fight mine,
I don’t want to feel the hope anymore,
I want to dig it out of my veins,
That’s the weight that’s tearing me apart,
I know I have to break these chains,
But how the hell can you wipe out hope,
When it’s somewhere you cant reach?
I wish I had the answer inside,
If you have it why wont you teach?
Relieve this soul who’s on the edge,
Where the rocks are loosely stacked,
Decimate all those known links,
Right back to when it attacked,
Rest this mind, give some peace,
Lets just begin again,
If you don’t forgive and I don’t forget,
How will I ever break this chain?

Thirty seconds

My perception’s honest,
As instantly you appear,
In this forgotten memory,
Time’s not wasted on fear,
Embrace is still too early,
Yet to hug is far too late,
For if time has taught me wisely,
I know it will never wait,
Regrets seem obsolete,
When I see your face,
So many wasted hours,
Just to find this place,
Your eyes are tired of worry,
And your face lets wrinkles leave,
There’s no meaning to this chance,
Even now nothing to achieve,
Acceptance is too gentle,
Relief is far too strong,
Just somewhere in the middle,
Is right where we belong,
Its a welcome palpitation,
That’s gone before you know,
Seconds stand like hours,
With not a thing to show,
A touch could spark a heartbeat,
Bring life back to this soul,
If I had one to begin with,
You could definitely fill this hole,
But unconditional became conditional,
Too many echoes to excuse,
Yet to judge you on that is past love,
So old friend I must refuse,
The odds of meeting you here,
Were really a trillion to one,
Its funny you think something’s ended,
To find it has only begun,
Thirty seconds to solve a riddle,
This was never meant for you,
I cant explain the feeling,
But I know you feel it too,
Left to smile together,
Still a million miles apart,
Sensing words I cant articulate,
I know I wont allow to start,
A smile is all I offer,
Unsentimental in my grace,
Its ok inside though,
I always knew my place,
But that’s another lifetime,
This one is simply on loan ,
Time is yet my teacher,
I‘m still a rolling stone,
In place of greater meaning,
Detached and self-assured,
In the space of thirty seconds,
I do believe that I am cured.

Severed ties…

No doubt

Defining reaction for cause and effect,
Repeatedly thinking, affirming dissect,
Retracting excuses, wrapped up as reason,
If you were a country I’d be convicted of treason,
You’re actions appalling yet due on reflection,
Guilt or your sorrow, not available for detection,
You’ll hide in the shadows until death is upon you,
I’m squinting to notice and adjusting the hue,
A glimpse in the awkwardness, a memory ‘til death,
I need to know you through this heart breaking breath,
An arm so strong is weak in the moment,
Inflicting a second but a lifetime of torment,
I rushed in the adrenaline, prepared for defeat,
What I was shown though was pure black deceit,
Your haste just a reminder of hope upon hope,
That doesn’t matter now I’ve the strength of this rope,
Reinforcing those feelings I’d hoped you’d relieve,
Except all that you’d shown was ill will to deceive,
This is the end now I’m lost in another,
Destroying the memory of you, yes my brother.

Recoil

You want to take me back there,
To the days that blackened my soul,
Erase all the good work I have struggled to do,
Please…
Back up,
I am nauseous just feeling you…
The smell of your overly sweet aftershave,
Is making me recoil in bitterness,
The thought of your lips,
Your eyes,
The memory of your touch …
I cant breathe,
Its suffocating me,
I am sick to my stomach,
I don’t think I could vomit hard enough to get you out of me,
Please,
Don’t,
Don’t look at me…
You have inflicted enough carnage,
Just a breath is bringing me to my knees,
My body cant take anymore,
I cant go back to your grip,
I need to scrape you out of me,
But,
You are a disease that I cant vaccinate against,
I cant reach you,
You’re so deep in my soul that I would be digging forever,
I’d kill myself,
Yet I am dying from your virus anyway,
So does it matter?
I wish I could pass you on, give you away,
Because you are bacteria,
But I couldn’t hurt someone the way you have hurt me,
I have to live with you forever,
Always,
I remember promising that once…
Ha,
And you know me never break a fucking promise do I?
Promise, promise, promise PROMISE…
Oh God, I surrender, I’ll smash it to bits… I’ll…I’ll,
Rip it out of my brain, I’ll get the pliers, that’ll do it right?
Why stop at that?
Might as well rip you out of there too,
Take you out piece by piece,
Eradicate this tumour,
If only I could reach you,
I cant…
You’re too long gone,
There shouldn’t be anything of you left,
I hate you,
All of you,
You make me SICK,
I would rather die than have this infection,
You’re infection,
They said that time would heal me,
Time?? Time has become my drug,
That drug won’t work,
I breathe it, sleep with it,
God I even fuck with it,
It won’t work,
It’s a waste…time…
Waste of time,
I don’t need any more fucking time,
I need you to leave…
Just get the hell out of my soul,
I don’t want to think about you, imagine you, dream about you…
Ever again just leave me alone,
Let me be…
But you wont…
I am the one holding the pen.

Doctors permission

Frozen in the darkness, silence peacefully shrouds me,
Hoping that I am breathless, praying he wont see,
This sublime sorrow, I am gasping in the pain,
Swallowing bitter tears, seconds from insane,
Defining the emotion, each and every time,
Trying not to echo, balancing on the line,
Silence is a killer, but not my reason to die,
Hearing in this deafness, will always make me cry,
The shadows over take me, speak the unspoken curse,
Just as well I am dying, can’t bear to smell this hearse,
Weighed down by lost tomorrows, my memory finally broke,
Why is it always my own hands gripped to make me choke?
His hug comforts my stomach, blindly in his sleep,
Not knowing in this darkness, my eyes can’t help but weep,
Obscurity plays around me, tries to steal my breath,
Every time I close my eyes I know I’m close to death,
Panic underestimates the power the black withholds,
Carving me so gently, painless as it moulds,
I sweat out my reaction, cause words can’t find a voice,
Helplessly devoted, to lay I have no choice,
Everything suffocates, cant bear to close my eyes,
Repeated optimism as I see how everyone dies,
My mind is there to haunt me it never gives me peace,
All the pills digested at will, still wont make it cease,
Night is a blur now confused by chemical reaction,
Convulsions rage as death excels performing its extraction,
In the mix I see his face traumatised by my choice, its made,
But time has gone, his actions futile as sight begins to fade,
Regret stabs flesh unrepentantly, too late to change effect,
I know he’ll cry forever at his failure to correct,
My selfish, vengeful actions, will speak louder than my word,
He never seen the suicide…do you think he finally heard?

Confessions

So dangerous toady, my mind is on edge,
Cant shake the pull off the highest ledge,
This downward spiral is making me ill,
The circles and squares revolting me still,
In all the panic, I’m feeling so brave,
Lost in the rules yet dying a slave,
Strength in this chaos is helping me too,
If I become fearless I’ll come looking for you,
I did…
It happened so fast I cant see the motion,
Fuelled with red words an explosive potion,
It’s a muddle of images that wont come undone,
The rest don’t matter I just need this one,
Frightening reflections, the mirror is scarred,
Light was the saviour black hit so hard,
Disguising the blood in the trick of an eye,
This painted glass is willing to lie,
Fingerprints defined by plasma remain,
Just notice the colour to imagine the pain,
I waste no time in cleansing the scene,
Erasing all proof that your life had been,
Wiped out the effect that beat me right down,
You weren’t the only ghost lost in this town,
To savour your blood awash on my buds,
Wont ever be forgotten, the most pleasant of floods,
You emptied my heart and damn burnt me vicious,
But I thank you now yet… was this too pernicious?!
Ha ha ha see you in hell!!

Where is your heart?

I dredge the memories again and again,
Coughing and choking no way to explain,
Relating their memories and feelings to you,
I’m lost in an instant cell, what do I do,
I super impose like you are right there,
Forgetting the vow that I do not care,
Feeling every ounce of broken tears,
Remembering your life throughout the years,
A stranger, I’m grieving a families distress,
All I can offer is another digress,
Difficult to ignore and so hard to lose,
I wish I had other memories to choose,
They pick me in the random light,
I wish to god they would give up the fight,
I cant leave you, when you’re haunting me,
Even in sleep you’re all I can see,
Take your ghost and I beg take me too,
If I die in the end that’s how I’ll leave you,
My angels help me…I’m losing the battle,
Take me away as the windows rattle,
The dust will hold me under the weight,
No matter what you say it will never be too late,
Glass was a sheath that broke like my heart,
This death eases pain as finally we part,
The flashes embrace the soul that has gone,
Maybe you’ll see in the cold light of dawn,
That your silent retribution spoke like a preacher,
Words couldn’t define your place as the teacher,
A lesson too great that I could never discover,
Just how to breathe with the loss of my brother,
That family is broken selfishly I am as well,
This is all I can carve in my eternal cell.

It’s all in the name

Hide the force from childish eyes,
Forever concealing the story,
Just how a bomb slays a soul,
Explosive in all its glory,
Walked in your shoes to feel the sorrow,
The hurt I couldn’t conceive,
The fact I had to see it myself,
Does not mean that I don’t believe,
Your armour was rusty from all the attacks,
Your head was past breaking now,
You managed to choose the exit wound,
With respect, I will never know how,
In the wake, gun powder is stained aware,
And the air is intolerably shaken,
Suicide was a door that offered a way,
To erase all the peace they had taken,
A trail to the end you knew all along,
There really was no other way out,
You opened your mouth so many times,
But couldn’t whisper let alone shout,
I listened deaf as long as I could,
Before my heart burnt to black,
Then turned away, kept on going,
I knew I could never look back,
Your pain was hard from years of abuse,
Just the way mine turned out to be,
Daughter like father, some would believe,
Yet you have no reflection on me,
I know your name, your place of birth,
And all you have left behind,
A little peace in this repetition,
Is always too hard to find,
Maybe I am like you after all,
Forever running after harmony,
I wonder sometimes if the choices you made,
Will be the path for my destiny,
Like father like daughter is only a dream,
But I know you were never to blame,
But still, years later, crestfallen with thought,
That our only bond is in a name…

The hunter

Fight fire with fire, is that the tonic?
Revenge and hot blood the lure,
Attack to the death, executioner style,
I never felt so damn secure,
Iron so copper, it fucks up my tongue,
The taste was growing fulfilling,
Between the cells, I’ve forgotten the cause,
The devotion to avenging this killing,
My sight has changed, the blood it stings,
I dropped the sword you gave to defend,
My faith is lost, the souls are haunting,
Blood on the blade was too heavy to mend,
Evil hands had bore the ransom crusade,
Were able to hold it steady,
Its not a cure, just one more excuse,
This soul could never be ready,
The Armies have gone, they lost confidence,
The revolution is now just a moan,
Cities are burning and eyes are flooding,
There’s no king defending his throne,
Just a child that is left with a suffocating memory,
Mourning all that she can remember,
Vulnerable eyes, tolling reactions,
As she watches him burn in the ember,
The ache in her guts will sculpt her days,
And repeats of equalling the score,
Hunting you down, breaking your neck,
Is all she can call on to ignore,
Torture bequeathed by a hand so intent,
That your eyes turned black through the deed,
She’ll never forget the yelping cries,
As his skin was encouraged to bleed,
Disregarding your mercy, your death has been sealed,
In a heart that’s now a machine,
Waits for the day when it will pound again,
In the blood at your murder scene,
That child was the hunted but now is the hunter,
Existing for the settling of scores,
Searching the globe, inflicting her hand,
In any mans avenging wars,
Fight fire with fire, is that the tonic?
Revenge and hot blood the lure,
Attack to the death, executioner style,
I never felt so damn secure…

Bullet holes and band aids

I’m toxic in the minutes,
This body wont respond,
A speaker is my heartbeat,
Cant break the chemical bond,
All self control is senseless,
I think it is the end,
I’m running out of time,
Times too late to mend,
I cant see where to run,
The darkest voices swallow,
All I thought I knew in here,
Has been destroyed I’m hollow,
You grab at air and memories,
Hoping finally to catch,
But you’re too late as well my friend,
I’ve already dropped the match,
I’m burning on the outside,
As at last I start to mirror,
No mask here to hide the pain,
You all can see my terror,
Does it shock you I’m so broken?
You thought you knew it all,
Please I don’t need rescued,
There’s no where left to fall,
The bullet holes and band aids,
Will remain to tell the tale,
Of a girl who kept black secrets,
Locked inside her like a jail,
She was a prisoner of delusion,
Couldn’t get out of her own damn head,
She saw it was impending, (the end)
Am I even fit to be dead?
Its too late for questions,
I’m ready now to release,
I know its just another prison,
But at least I’ll be jailed in peace.

Who wants to join me in my skeleton jail…